


Sing For Absolution

by Pale Rider (Boothros)



Category: The Professionals
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 11:36:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5047033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Boothros/pseuds/Pale%20Rider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can anything ever be truly forgiven or will love always find a way?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sing For Absolution

**Author's Note:**

> Excuse the odd title. This was meant to accompany a music vid that I have so far failed to make. The story itself was also meant to be a bit longer. Time constraints have failed me on both counts, I would have loved to got a few more jealous aspects into it. However, this one's done for now and took up a few spare days. Based on one of my fave pros works ever, 'The Meeting' by AngelCI5  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/586705

 

Sing for Absolution

 

“Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?”

“Shut up, Bodie.”

“Oh ‘Good Morning’ to you to you too, you miserable git!”

“Sorry, mate, just don’t feel like it is all.”

“What? You got a boner that’s almost pushing me out of the bed and you don’t feel like it? When the hell did you ever not ‘feel like it’?”

“Sorry, mate, just not feeling too good.”

“Oh, Ray, I’m sorry! You sickening for something?”

“No, I just got some things on me mind, that’s all.”

“You’re not still beating yourself up about the Swindon case are you? We always knew they were gonna walk, Ray. You know as well as I do it’s the bigger picture we’re interested in. You did all you could, but that’s all you were asked to do. They’ll go down, have no fears on that score, it’s just gonna take a bit of time.”

“No, it’s not that.

Bodie you fancy a meal tonight? Somewhere quiet?”

“Um, yeah I guess so. Was planning on eating anyway. Can’t keep this physical specimen of perfection sated without fuel, can I?”

“Good, I’ll pay.”

“Wow! Did you forget my birthday or something, Sunshine?”

“No, I just need a chat with you. Well a talk if you like.”

“Er, Ray? That doesn’t sound so good. You got me worried now. You’ve refused sex for the first time on record, you offered to pay for a meal and now you want to have ‘a talk’?  Actually, now I’m really worried!”

“I gotta be in Swindon in two hours. I need to get going. I should be back in London by six. Meet me in The Black Bull at seven thirty?”

“What, you’re buying me dinner at ‘The Black Bull’? Ray you haven’t won the pools or something have you? The last time you bought me a sandwich I felt like I owed you for six weeks. The Black Bull isn’t exactly ‘a pie and a pint’ is it?”

“Well take it or leave it.”

“Oh, mate I’m gonna take it! You sure you’re okay though?”

“Yeah, I need to get off though, Bodie, See you at seven thirty.”

With that, Doyle showered, dressed in clothes that he must have previously laid out as he didn’t re- enter the bedroom and announced his departure with a quiet click of the front door.

Bodie’s ‘easy day’ in headquarters chasing intel on the case he was near to closing was shadowed by his memories of Ray’s odd mood. By three o’clock he had driven himself half mad with imagined reasons why his partner would want ‘a talk’.

Did Ray want to leave CI5? It had certainly taken an awful lot out of him lately. Bodie knew of the depressions that Ray had suffered from his seemingly failed efforts on getting convictions.

Oh dear God, Ray wasn’t ill was he? Something awful that neither of them could have imagined nor predicted?

By five, Bodie’s normal pleasure at finishing his working day at a reasonable hour had completely diminished. He returned to his flat, showered, changed and tried to apply his attentions to some overdue paperwork.

He was desperate for a drink but something told him that he would need a clear head for the night ahead. A night where his lover had offered to shout him a meal at a classically beautiful pub who served amazing food with a price tag to match. He treated himself to a mini cab. He felt for some weird reason that by the end of the night he might well have drunk enough to prevent himself from driving effectively.

He entered The Black Bull and spotted Doyle immediately even though he was tucked into a dark, private corner. He greeted his partner and for twenty minutes they exhibited their pleasure in each other’s company, quickly chatted about their days and ordered starters.

The delicious prawn cocktail somehow stuck in Bodie’s throat. Without thinking about it he knew that Ray had bad news to impart. His heart seemed to take a swallow every time his gut did.

“Ray, why are we here?”

“Eh? You said you needed feeding didn’t you?”

“No, YOU said we needed to have a talk. I can quite happily have a talk whilst you’re sat on the bog, mate, so why all this?”

Doyle paled.

“Bodie, do you remember Marie?”

“Marie? Marie who?”

“Marie, that girl I was seeing?”

“Oh! That bird with the frizzy hair? Yeah I remember her vaguely, why?”

“She’s pregnant, Bodie. She’s pregnant and I’m the father.”

“Eh? She can’t be! Well at least you can’t be the father, you haven’t seen her since last year.”

“She’s three months pregnant, Bodie.”

Bodie froze.

“I didn’t know that you’d been seeing her again.” he said quietly.

“I haven’t been. Well that is, it was just the once, Bodie. I just bumped into her …”

“Oh you did that alright!”

“Oh come on, mate, don’t be like that …”

“Don’t be like what, Doyle? Furious? Heartbroken? Bloody well stunned? Come on, what exactly is it that I shouldn’t be like, you tell me?”

Bodie stood abruptly.

“Come on, Bodie, we need to talk about this!”

“You might need to, mate, I’ll give it a miss if you don’t mind. You said something about paying?”

With that Bodie stumbled from the pub, his eyes prickling. He was amazed to see a cab dropping off patrons and made an urgent grab for it. It was only once inside its confines that he realised he had no idea of his destination. Ray would immediately follow him to his own flat and he had no wish to lick his wounds in front of the man.

He gave the driver instructions to take him to HQ. Once there he went to recheck the rota to confirm that the following day he was indeed on late shift. His R/T, firearm and identification were still in his flat where he had left them so he would need to go home and collect them before clocking on. He then went to the on-call sleeping quarters, moved the slider sign to ‘Occupied’ and removed the key from the door.

On his way out he greeted the night watchman.

“I’ll be sleeping in ‘The Bangkok Hilton’ tonight, Charlie, so I’ll see you again a bit later.”

“Oh slumming it then, Bodie! Kick you out did she?”

“Something like that, just off to drown me sorrows.”

“Well don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, and remember, if Arthur had been on tonight you wouldn’t have got over the threshold without your ID, 3~7.”

“That’s only because Arthur’s too old and blind to recognise anybody, but thanks, Charlie, appreciate it.”

Bodie discounted the squad’s regular haunt, instead choosing a downbeat establishment around the corner. He ignored the sticky feeling beneath his feet, the scruffy, noisy youths who were trying to beat seven bells out of the fruit machine and ordered himself a pint and a whisky chaser.

For the first time since deciding where he’d wanted the taxi driver to take him, he allowed himself to think.

Ray was going to be a father. Be a dad for Christ’s sake! Of all the bad news that Bodie could have seen Doyle sharing, this would have been the very last thing he could have imagined. He’d been sleeping with the man for nine months. After two of those months they had given into the inevitable and declared they loved each other. After three months, little in Bodie’s life came closer in order of importance than Ray Doyle.

And Doyle had sworn the same.

It had been a risk. Their working partnership was at a level revered and jealously observed by others. They were friends. They had their disagreements and they endured each other’s annoying foibles, but they worked. Somehow they worked together as partners and friends and yes, becoming lovers was always a risk in ruining all that, but that had worked too. For the first time in Bodie’s life, he had found the very person who had made sense of it all. Who had wiped Bodie’s slate clean and made everything that had gone before alright again. Though Bodie had been smitten with Doyle for years, he could never imagine that the reality of becoming his lover would have felt so good. So right.

And now Doyle had cheated on him.

Bodie ordered the same again vaguely mourning the fact that his planned evening was to have been spent in a far more attractive setting than this shithole. He only had an hour left in which to mash his brain. His next order omitted the beer.

The following morning, Bodie woke on the scratchy cot bed. Slightly confused at reaching for his quilt and partner and finding neither, he nearly fell off the thing. He opened his eyes giving carte blanche to the inevitable headache. Within fifteen minutes he had cleared the room and bade goodbye to the smugly sober Charlie. Via tube and footfall he made his way back to his flat. He praised the fact that Doyle had decided to either honour his last day in Swindon or spend his night elsewhere.

Six hours later Bodie found himself in front of one of his controller’s meetings. He sat in his normal spot at the front and the seat next to him remained unoccupied. Cowley droned on about nothing that was currently urgent and Bodie let his mind drift. After twenty minutes a fission of electricity went through him as the nearby seat was taken. Doyle sat down and surreptitiously brushed Bodie’s hand. Cowley acknowledged Doyle’s return from Swindon with a nod before continuing. As the meeting closed, Bodie stood without acknowledging Doyle’s presence. He purposely made for their office with Doyle following like a scolded puppy, hot on his heels.

“Bodie, we need at the very least to talk about this!”

“About what, Doyle exactly? About the fact that you shagged around behind my back or the fact that imminent fatherhood might mean you wanting to take some time off?”

“Bodie please don’t be like this! I never meant it to happen, I swear to you.”

“The thing is, Ray, I just knew that something like it would happen sooner or later. I just knew you were too good to be fucking true! I’d wanted you all that time and when I finally got you it was great. Beautiful even. But just like everything else in my bloody life, you were a falsehood. A dream turned sour, Ray.”

“Please listen to me, Bodie. I really never meant to hurt you, I love you so fuckin’ much!”

“Oh yeah that stands out like a flaming beacon to me, Ray, it really does!”

“Bodie, hear me out!”

“No! We’re at work in case you’d forgotten? I have no wish to continue this conversation here and if you have any professionalism left whatsoever, then you won’t either.”

Having no interest in whether his shift hours were completed, Bodie made for a pool car. The fact that Doyle hopped in beside him went almost unnoticed.

By the time the partners reached Doyle’s flat, Bodie’s resolve was in tatters. The worst had happened. He’d lost Ray. To a woman with a future babe in arms no less. He couldn’t compete with that and was ready to hear whatever Doyle had to say. He turned off the engine and simply sat there his eyes closed.

“I met up with her again just after that Chives op. I dunno, Bodie, I just wanted to be sure, you know?”

“What be sure that you were in love or just be sure that you were queer?”

“Well both I guess. I was about to give my heart on a plate to a bloke and I just had to know if that was it forever.”

“I thought we’d established that it was ‘forever’ months before?”

“Yeah we had. God, I dunno, Bodie I just let my dick talk for me and before I knew it I’d slept with her. I wouldn’t have thought anything of doing that before I got with you. I love you, for Christ’s sake!”

“How can you even say that? How can you think you love me, or say you love me, or even MEAN that you love me and then go and bed someone else? Are you actually sure that you’re even the father?”

“She’s not the kind of girl to lie about that sort of thing. I’m as sure as I need to be.”

“So you’ll be standing by her then?” asked Bodie, expecting nothing less.

“I’ve told her I will. I need to take responsibility after all.”

“Shame you didn’t take some before! Didn’t it even occur to you to use something? At least then you could have mucked me about without me finding out about it, couldn’t you?”

“She was on the pill. She’d been taking antibiotics and she didn’t realise that they could stop the pill from working.”

“Oh well that’s alright then! Good job she didn’t have a good old dose of the clap then isn’t it? I’d love to have seen you try to explain that one away!”

“Bodie! Don’t try to make it any harder! For heaven’s sake I’m gonna be a father! Surely that’s bigger than what either of us are feeling?”

Bodie held up his hands in supplication knowing the truth of Doyle’s words.

“And then of course we have the partnership to think about.” mumbled Doyle.

“Oh so that’s what’s worrying you is it? You think I’m gonna storm off to ‘The Cow’ and say ‘Sorry, Sir, but 4~5 did the dirty on me and now I’d like a different partner if that’s all the same to you?’ To be honest if you’re planning on becoming Dad of the Year, Doyle, then you’ll be seconded to B squad quicker than you know it anyway, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that if I were you!”

“I know. I did sound Cowley out about that. There aren’t many family men who choose to stay in the elite squad. If I went into ‘B’ I could get family accommodations easily enough …”

But Bodie had stopped listening. He’d suddenly realised his new position in the pecking order of Doyle’s life. The most important news that Ray would ever get and he had talked to Cowley about it first.

“The thing is, Bodie, I don’t see that things necessarily have change between us.”

Bodie wondered if he had heard right.

“I’m sorry? What exactly do you mean by that?”

“Well look, I made a mistake, Bodie. I know I’m gonna have to pay for that mistake, but I don’t want part of the payment to be losing you. This news hasn’t stopped me loving you and never will.”

Bodie mentally counted to ten.

“Okay, let me get this straight. You cheated on me which has caused this whole sorry mess. You obviously plan on living with this girl and being a father to the child, but you ALSO plan on seeing me on the side. What do I become then, your dirty little secret? You’d be cheating on her AND the kid!”

“But surely we could work something out, Bodie? Doyle wheedled.

“No! If you think I even want to ‘work something out’, then you can just fuck off, Doyle! You made your bed and now it’s time for you to lie in it!”

Bodie’s good intentions of talking things out, maybe over a calming drink or a peaceful meal, had fled. He was incandescent with rage and pain and sensing this, Doyle wisely exited the car. He quietly shut the door and moved around the to the driver’s side.

“I’ll see you on Monday.” Bodie gruffly announced before speeding off leaving Doyle in a hail of dust.

Bodie returned home. In less than two days, five years of his dreams had been shattered. Ice surrounded his heart. He had forty eight hours to get through. They had looked forward to this weekend, one without even being on standby for months. Now it seemed like an enormous chasm which he had to breach.

He poured himself a Scotch before the heartache could even think of making an appearance. He knew that getting thoroughly pissed would do nothing for his blood pressure and nor would it change things, but he had no other back up plan.

On Monday morning, he arrived at work for briefings clean shaven, impeccably dressed and reasonably alert. It was not just Doyle and Cowley however that noticed that he had lost at least five pounds in weight and looked pale and shaky.

By eleven, Doyle caught up with him, concerned.

“Bodie are you okay? I thought about ringing you lots of times, but didn’t know if you’d want me too.”

“Yeah I’m fine, Ray, It wasn’t the best weekend on record, but it’s over now and I got through it. Guess we just weren’t meant to be us two, eh?”

Doyle expelled an enormous sigh.

“I don’t want to lose you, Bodie you know that.”

“Yeah, I know but I’m not prepared to share you, Ray. I also know what this baby must mean to you and I won’t get in the way of that, wouldn’t even want to.”

Doyle tightly closed his eyes in resignation. Coming to some sort of internal decision, he looked straight into Bodie’s eyes.

“Still friends?”

“Always, mate.” replied Bodie shakily.

They loosely embraced as two casual acquaintances might, and just like that, their love affair was over.

The news of Doyle’s impending fatherhood spread through the department like a wildfire. The men all slapped him on the back and many of the women looked daggers at him. Bodie hovered in the background seeing little of him after his move to the B squad.

Bodie sensed the feeling of excitement that surrounded and followed Doyle around. He understood Doyle’s need and liking for family even if it was something that he couldn’t share. His own dismal upbringing had left him with no urges to procreate himself.

Occasionally they would meet up for beer. These meetings tugged Bodie’s heartstrings as tight as a bow, but in his new found position as ‘good friend’, he dutifully nodded and agreed with when called upon to do so.

“Marie’s not happy about accommodations. She wants us to buy a place. She likes those new Docklands places like her friend Mandy’s got. I told her that moving down a grade would mean a huge drop in pay but she seems to think money grows on trees!”

“So how you two getting on together then?”

“Oh you know, okay I s’pose. Did I tell you she’s having this thing called a scan done? They can actually take a picture of the baby in the womb!”

“That’s great, Ray. How are you two together though? Are you making it work between you?”

“Yeah, I guess so. It’s hard though you know, keeping a pregnant woman happy.”

“Guess it is I s’pose! Bet the bump’s getting in the way a bit now isn’t it?”

“Well she isn’t showing that much but she’s a slim girl anyway.”

“So no problems in the, er, bedroom department? You managed to get it together again okay?”

“I beg your pardon, Bodie?”

“Sorry, mate no offence! I just wondered if you two were, well you know, okay together? I know there’s a baby coming and all but that doesn’t mean that the parents can’t be happy at the same time does it?”

“Bodie, she’s pregnant for God’s sake! Even I know that you can’t shaft a pregnant woman!”

Chastened, Bodie decided to shut the fuck up.

Every time he saw Doyle about headquarters the talk around him seemed to concern babies rather than current cases. On one occasion he had to take over Doyle’s old pool car when his own was being serviced. Glancing down, he saw a glossy ‘Mothercare’ catalogue, He knew then that love had never been meant for him. He silently went about his duties trying to push Doyle from his mind.

It was three am when his buzzer went. He was as sober as a judge. He’d told himself weeks before that answers couldn’t be found at the bottom of a bottle. Perplexed, he opened the door straight away. Doyle virtually fell into his arms.

“Oh, Bodie I just didn’t know where else to go!”

“Ray what’s happened, what on earths the matter?”

“It’s the baby, Bodie, the baby died.”

“Oh love! Oh Jesus, Ray I’m so bloody, bloody sorry!”

Bodie embraced the shaking man, tears pricking his own eyes.

Doyle clung onto him as if he were an iceberg.

“It died, Bodie why the hell did that have to happen? Poor little guy never had a chance in life!”

“Calm down, Ray, Just tell me what happened, in your own time.”

“It died, Bodie! That poor little baby died!”

“I know sweetheart, Just you tell me what happened if you can.”

“Well I got a call from Marie’s sister, said that Marie had miscarried some four hours before. They couldn’t contact me apparently. Dunno why, I’d finished work and was in my flat, but for whatever reason they couldn’t. Anyway, they said that Marie wanted to be with her family and they took her back to Great Yarmouth.

That was yesterday. I’ve been trying to phone her ever since. It was engaged for most of the time and when it wasn’t, it just rang out, but finally they let me speak to her an hour ago.”

“And how was she, Ray?”

“She sounded okay. I mean she didn’t sound really ill or anything, but she said she didn’t want to see me for a while.”

“Did she say why, mate?”

“No… no I don’t think so but she must be hurting, Bodie. God knows, I don’t know how to face it so I’ve no idea how she must be!”

“It’s ok, Ray, its ok. Look do you want to stay here tonight?”

“Do you even want me here, Bodie?”

“Course I bloody do!”

“No. No it’s not right, I don’t deserve you being nice to me, I’ll go, sorry I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry, Bodie.”

“Will you just sit your bloody self down and shut your face? Now do you want me to make you a coffee? Just the way you like it?”

“Yes, mate. I actually really would.”

Doyle drank the milky brew and after half an hour was in a state of near collapse. Bodie gently guided him to the flat’s only bedroom and stripped him to his underwear before putting him into his own bed. Then he stripped himself before tucking himself protectively around his slumbering partner. He didn’t consider the fact that this was his ex-lover. The man that had cheated on him and broken his heart. All he held onto was his beloved partner who was hurting and grieving and needed him.

In the morning on awakening, Doyle was calmer. He looked up at Bodie and touched his face.

“I love you, Bodie. I could never love Marie. I could never love anyone after you. Could you ever forgive me for what I did?”

“We’d have to talk for a long time, Ray. You wouldn’t be here now if the baby was still here.”

“I know, but it was never the baby’s fault! I thought that two parents would give it the best chance in life. Before I knew it, my life wasn’t me own any more, but that was my problem. I had to take responsibility, Bodie I just had to!”

Bodie looked down at that mass of misery beneath him and felt his own eyes begin to water. He gathered Doyle up and they tried to hug their pains away.

Later that morning, Doyle once again managed to speak to Marie on the phone. Bodie made himself scarce. An hour later, Doyle emerged from the lounge looking drained.

“She says it’s over. Apparently, once I got back with her, all I talked about was you. She didn’t like the CI5 house and didn’t know why I didn’t fancy retraining to be a stock broker like Mandy’s husband. She said the only part of her that I really wanted was the baby.”

“Bloody bitch!”

“No she was right, Bodie. I would never have wanted her again if she hadn’t have been carrying my child. Truth is I only went with her again to boost my own confidence. I never dreamt it would ever last with you. Could never see you wanting me forever, nobody else ever has. I was so sure that you’d break my heart that …”

“You’d thought you’d get in there first?”

“No, Bodie! I just wanted a buffer to shield myself against the pain I thought I was gonna get.”

“Doyle. You might be a CI5 agent, (albeit a B squad version of one) and you might be extremely pretty but God knows you are a fucking prat!”

Doyle smiled at Bodie through his tears.

“Is there any chance of us starting over, Bodie? I know I fucked up.”

“Ray, you, no WE’VE got a baby to grieve for, Let’s just let the dust settle for a while. In the meantime, I’m not going anywhere.” Bodie smiled back through tears of his own.

oOo

Five months later in a pleasant park in Norwich, a mother tended her tiny baby. He had none of her dark attributes but gurgled back at her all auburn curls and large green eyes.

Her boyfriend was due to meet her during his lunch break. She’d been amazed at the time that he’d been willing to take her on with a baby in tow, but a successful estate agent was not to be sniffed at and all her family adored him.

She stopped rocking the pram for a minute in order to just sit and gaze over the pretty parkland. Her young charge was having none of it however and wailed his discontent demanding her attention once again. She smiled down at him amused.

“Come on then, Sunshine,” she said fondly, “Let’s go.”

FIN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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